You're going to ask "where is she? Where did she go, or where are you that you miss her?" The answer is nowhere really. I'm not sure if it is a blessing or a curse to have a year off with your baby. I know a lot of American women only have 6 weeks off for maternity leave, and I think that is ridiculous. Addie never even started sleeping through the night until she was 15 months old, how are these poor women with newborns getting up (especially the breastfeeders and exclusive pumpers) all night with a newborn then getting everyone all ready and out the door, stopping off at daycare, working all day without their babies and then picking them up at 6pm and doing it all over again? I don't get it, and I have so much respect for the women that have to do that.
I had three full months off for maternity leave when Addison was born, and then when she was 12 weeks old, I started a new job and went to work two days a week for 4 hours a day. It was perfect. I was NOT ready to put Addison in daycare, but I didn't want to lose out on this job and it was time sensitive, so I was blessed that my dad happened to be off for a few months and was happy to watch her for me. It was wonderful. Until she was 9 months old, I worked my two afternoons a week (which got me out of the house and interacting with some adults), I knew Addison was happy with my dad, and my dad was happy to have her, and I had the rest of the week off to hang out with my girl. And at 9 months my dad went back to work and we found a wonderful home daycare that Addie still loves going to. I kept just my one client until after Addie's 1st birthday and for over a year we did everything together. We went to swimming lessons, sign language classes, mommy and me group, we had playdates, we went for walks and went shopping, we snuggled, took pictures, visited friends and family, and most importantly, we PLAYED! We were literally attached at the hip!
When she was 13 months old, my mat leave benefits had been up for about a month, we were in our new house, talking about planning baby #2 and we needed me to go back to work full time. I cannot tell you how hard it STILL is for me. I was so blessed with Addison, I never had any post-partem depression, no baby blues, I dealt really well with the sleep deprivation, and my house was usually clean, meals were usually on the table on time, I felt like I really had it all together and that being a Mama was really my calling. But when I went back to work full time, I REALLY struggled. It probably didn't help that she was still getting up at least twice a night to eat, and that I was the only one getting up for midnight feedings, but I just found it so hard to leave her. The routine stuff is easy. It never bothered me having to figure out how to get up and get ready for work, get Addie ready, take her to daycare and go to work myself on time. That was easy to get the hang of. But being away from her all day... it's been almost 4 months now and it is STILL killing me.
I honestly LOVE spending time with my kid. I know parents who are always so overwhelmed they just want to get rid of their kids for a few hours, and a whole weekend would be wonderful, but I just can't stand being away from mine. I think she is the coolest person I know. She is absolutely hilarious, and loves to be funny and the center of attention, she is very aware and interactive so when I take her places, she just enjoys being out and about, and honestly is a real pleasure to take her everywhere we want to go. She has so much personality now that spending time with her is just fun. She isn't really work anymore. Trust me she has her moments, she isn't perfect and she knows how to throw one heck of a tantrum when she wants to, but there is nothing I would rather be doing than hanging out with her all day.
I get to see her for about an hour in the morning, but usually I am running around trying to get us both ready and fed, so she usually eats her breakfast in front of the TV while I get myself ready, and then I don't get to pick her up until 6pm every night, her bath is at 7 and she's in bed by 7:30.....So I get about 2 hours a day with her, and spend 8 hours a day with other people's kids wishing I was home with mine, instead of paying someone else to do what I wish I was doing. It breaks my heart that I only get to spend quality time with her on the weekends, and sometimes I have to work on Saturday's too.
The only way I am getting through it right now is knowing that I only have to do it until April. Then I will get to be home with my TWO babies, and I will hopefully get to be off for at least 6 months this time. I'd like to say I will worry about going back to work at that point. Ryan just started a much better job, maybe we can afford for me to work part time and at least have a couple days a week with the kids, who knows what could happen, but how do you make the decisions? I want to be home with the kids, but I also want them to have things they need. I want to be able to provide them with things like family trips and new clothes when they need them. Special toys at Christmas, a nice house, a boat... I know they are material things, but I grew up with those things and I want my kids to have them too. I also like working. I love my job, I feel like I do something important, and I don't want to lose that either. The other side of me wants to just be with them, make them lunch everyday, walk them to school, be able to drive them home when it rains... never miss a school play... it's so hard... Does it ever get easier?
I am so sorry you are feeling this way! I completley understand! It is so hard to make the decision to work. If I stayed at home, we would drastically have to change our lifestyle and vacations, nice presents, etc would be a thing of the past. Neither of us want that but it is so hard to only have those few precious hours a day.
ReplyDeleteKnow that you aren't the only one feeling this way. I know it doesn't make it easier. But at least there are others out there thinking the same thing!!